The Nothing.

Day 1 Of Moving.
I have so much inside my head but nothing comes out making sense. This ocean of disjointed hatred, memories, passion, hope, love is choking me until I see nothing but you. Nothing, has turned out to be a hell of a lot in reality. You felt nothing at 2am on Wednesday the 24th of November, your 21st bithday. That nothing is now the biggest nothing I have faced and feared. I don't want to cut you out of my life. Doing this makes me hate myself even more. But watching you and her, watching you move on, replace our memories with new, fresher, better ones. It rips me up. All or nothing is my decision, not an easy one. All is impossible, you don't need me anymore, I took too long playing games and being a selfish bitch. So nothing it must be.
Everything points back to you. My clothes, my food, my work, what I say, what I do. My room is filled with you. My life is a monstrous mirror and I see your face everywhere. You haunt me, the skeleton of the last five years is by my side every cold second of the day. I feel sick, then empty, then I hate, then I love and then I'm on my knees by some unfortunate friend who listens to me sob about how disgusting and worthless I feel. Lovesick always seemed like a made up excuse to make a big deal and show everyone how wonderfully dramatic you are. I can't sleep, I lie there and stare into the ceiling where your face burns into my mind. I can't eat, food tastes like paper. There is nothing I can do. You are everything. Everything I am belongs to you. I forgave you the second I found out how you lied and stole and hurt me. Nothing matters, I am horribly in love with you.
How did this happen? How did you find the strength to let go so easily? I do not understand. We were stitched together and you cut the thread to sew in a sweeter picture. Nothing. Living means nothing. Waking up is nothing. Eating, drinking, breathing, talking sour, decieving human words, it is all nothing without you doing it all with me. The plans are washing away under all my pathetic sobbing that I can't stop. A screaming emptiness blossoms in my chest and suddenly, I don't know how, I cry uncontrollably, making childish little sobs and muttering "want me back, want me back, want me back" in my head. I feel like I did that winter day, almost three years ago. When you made cup after cup after cup of tea and held me in the hospital. Funny, that day was the day of the Christmas Concert. That concert is on this week... maybe I should pay a visit down memory lane. Would you care? Its possible that me disappearing altogether and rotting into the ground would only help you. "I love you like a sister... that I don't mind incest with." I laughed, it sounded stupid. Now its a bag of golden words that came out of your mouth and I collect them all, each one more meaningless than the next, but they're yours. I could write for eternity. Sit in a white room, holding the ghost of you close, convincing myself that I can hear your breath in my ear and write. You won't read this. What would it matter if you did? You'd feel sorry for me. Say it was the same for you, although it wasn't. Because you never did what I did to you, so Guilt doesn't eat away at you. And I never did... what you did. Sex never meant nothing. Nothing is the rock, rattling in my ribcage and dragging me down to where I belong.
I love you. I love you.
I love you.
Goodnight.