Saturday, 4 December 2010

Headaches

Day 7
I went out today. Its the first saturday in a long time when I haven't worked so I went to do some christmas shopping. But mostly to see him. He didn't speak to me much, joking around with the guys and there was a sense of hostility but it may have been accidental. He didn't stay long, no more than an hour. And before he left he did something that upset me and even surprised the guys. He wants me to look after her Christmas present. Her Christmas present. I said yes... I don't know why. Because he asked me to. Because I felt a degree of power because he had asked me. But I was also indignant and hurt. Then he left, without hugging me goodbye, without even really looking at me. He went to see her sing.

I stayed with the guys for a couple of hours, they made me laugh. I've kind of got tired of being around vicious, unpredictable girls, who build up opinions of you so easily and also though empathetic, judge you at every moment. They asked about him and I didn't say much, telling them I'd promised to keep everything he did quiet. I was scared they wouldn't understand or equally wouldn't be surprised by what he did. They kept asking for a while but dropped it realising I wouldn't discuss it. Then they brought her up. I heard some interesting things from them... About her, him, her and him together. "I really don't think it will last." "They won't stay together long." The malicious part of me got a slight satisfaction from this but what if... in 10 months time I'll be some half-faded, dried up thought in the very corner of his mind and she will have the rest of it.
This is fair. This is what I should get after everything I put him through. But it feels so unjust. My side of the wall seems so much darker and lonelier than his ever was. I never left him. We always stayed inches apart, through thick and thin, through boyfriends and heartbreaks. Repeatedly drawn back together like magnets inbetween each useless and tasteless relationship I ran into.
In Bournemouth I was fine, chatting, laughing, making jokes about it all. Even when I got home I felt alright. But after an hour of being alone, that heavy, marble black feeling creeped back into my lungs and the hollowness returned and I sat and stared at the carpet. Being alone steals every scrap of security back into the flames. I'm out tonight. At a gig with my best friend. While he's holding her somewhere, telling her she's talented and beautiful and perfect. She's paranoid about me and him. And he'll tell her "But I chose you. It's you I'm looking at. I chose you, didn't I?"

And didn't he?

Still, I love you so pathetically.

No comments:

Post a Comment