Sleep Deprivation

Day 10

Wow we're on double digits.
Not much new. Which I guess is good and bad at the same time.
Good because, nothing worse has happened to pile on top of family, work and my aching thoughts of him. But bad because that ache has is only getting progressively worse.
I didn't have time to think though, which is to be quite honest - brilliant. Thinking is where it goes downhill.
People commented on the dyed hair. I think I know what tattoo I want. I plan to change myself as much as is in my power. I do not want to be my worthless self anymore. I'm tired - of me, of them or pretty much everything I see. Suicidal tendencies scratching away at that old itch there.
I miss him.
Those three words encapsule everything. Because "miss" implies anything. And it really is anything. From the way he narrows his eyes when he tries to work something out, to how long he spends on his hair, to how he rubs his hands together and gathers all the black dirt in the center of his palm when he is in thought. Anything.
Its midnight. 18 past actually.
It is my friends 18th tomorrow and I refuse to ruin it by being a depressive, lovesick bitch.
Therefore, I am bottling it up tonight and the blog can do with, for the first time, a slight hole.
Acting normal is proving more and more difficult. Smiling, saying hi, phatically asking how they all are, replying that I'm "alright," bobbing along with the rest and not letting anyone know that a part of my brain is soaked in black ink that keeps giving me insane ideas and concepts.
Oh whatever. I can not be bothered with today. Or tomorrow. Or anyday until the day he glances at me with an ounce of love. Same goes for family. As for the rest - who cares? I certainly can't find room to.

Goodnight, still.
I love you, still.