Silence is just lying more quietly.

Day 61, 62

Today has been a day of building little shelves in my mess. I've separated each separate issue, each lie, each time, each excuse, each day he lied about to her, each thing I found out by accident that he doesn't even know about. But chucking them all into colour co-ordinated mountains didn't help. It still adds up to one - You're a lying, cheating, stealing, selfish, pathetic twat. And you won't get out of my head.

I had a crazy idea today. He would kill me. But it might be a way to

1) let off steam. 2) get some much needed advice 3) they would completely understand.

4) it could have a pretty ending...

He would kill me.

At the auditions in the theatre last night, I got the part of Betty Whitehouse in Dangerous Corner. Its... pretty huge. I play a twenty-something yearold, who married for love and wound up with a self-absorbed, spiteful idiot who makes her youthfulness wither away. So, as many did in the thirties, she has an affair with a much older man. And everything comes out at one upper-class dinner party, where everyones lies and pretences get unravelled. How ironic really.

He emailed me. He texted me. Its not that I don't miss him, God knows, I do, like crazy. But I can't bear to say a word to him while I know how easily he deceives everyone including me. No one else can see it. Because no one else realised. But now I know so much more than I should... I don't know what to do with it. I am none the wiser, none the happier.

He shouldn't be doing what he is doing. Neither should I .

P.S. Photograph of Barcelona - the escape I fantasize about.