Velcro Virtues.

Day 37, 38

I have stayed out of the house since Christina left. Being pushed into constant interaction with my mother for about 9 days almost suffocated me so I was like GOING OUT BYE. And its been busy, drunken and... unusual.

I've seen some pretty close friends, a lot of pub time, party time, relax with a drink and chat time. But the feeling I thought may have gone has started nagnagnagging away again. Oh, this is so unoriginal, when is it supposed to end? There are people out there, who, after around 10 years of being in a "relationship" jump in a love affair a few days after breaking up. Not only, was I not in a relationship as such, officially speaking, but its was 5 small years of my adolescent life. And we're almost hitting 40 days here, so why, why am I still so childish?

Today was the first day back at college. The work I haven't touched for weeks is staring at me. For the first time, probably ever, sitting down tonight and digging my nails into an essay was a sort of relief. It meant I solely concentrated on Aristotle, Hume, Kant and the like and did not have space in my Philosophy-oriented state of mind to think about it all. The ironic part is the essays subject was Virtue Ethics.

I am hugely fortunate. I haven't really experienced many truly horrific things, no matter how much my therapist goes on about my "unusually difficult" childhood, or my friends show faces of shock when I tell the about a couple of things. But on the whole, I am nowhere near the top of the Tragedy scale compared to thousands upon thousands of others. It's all relative though, isn't it?

The last few days my past has tiptoed back into my head. That sly, self-indulgent thing called past. I think its because (for the first time in about six months) father emailed me. It was just a couple of sentences. Happy New Year. Hope you're well. That sort of thing. Hope I am well? For all you know, I am dead. For all I know, you wouldn't bat an eyelash if I was.

I saw him yesterday. Not my dad, of course. He was lovely. I hate the word lovely, it seems so patronising, as though it masks some sour enigma underneath it. But in this case the only word is, lovely. We've fallen into a pattern. Each time we see each other, we bicker and argue for around half an hour. Then in approximately 3 minutes we forgive each other, and forget whatever it was we were squabbling over. And then its all back and we go on with the evening like nothing happened.

I think I am so exhausted by it all that I no longer care. I don't have the energy to care. At least I keep telling myself that, because of course I do care, so much.

Anyway its past midnight, I have to get up very early. Something Aristotle said is encompassed in my thoughts, I wonder what he meant?

Bla bla bla.

Bla bla.