So, Lauren, welcome to the studio!
Thankyou, its lovely to be here.
Are you ready for the most enriching moment of you life Dr PP?
Ready as a donkey on heat.
Lets get started! (BURSTS INTO SONG - LETS GET RETARDEDDDDD HA LETS GET RETARDEDDDD IN HERE - Curtesy of Fergmeister and Willi.A.M.)
So Lauren, what is your earliest memory?
Oh I know! When I was about 2 and a half I bit my brother till he bled. And I got into trouble for it. So I threw a tantrum and got a grump on. So my dad printed out a page of TROUTS and wrote Lauren at the bottom and stuck it on my bedroom door.
Rivetting stuff. Which celebrity would you most like to have relations with?
Gotta be Eminem. Although I feel he would lose respect for me as a rapper aterwards. I'd have to come to terms with that...
Why are we here, Lauren?
I told a lie and got on a plane. (Apparently a line from Sleepless In Seattle.) God bless you Tom Hanks, and all that dwell in your footsteps.
How would you like to die?
I wouldn't particularly like to die in any particular way but.... In my sleep.
ITS SHIT LAUREN. YOURE SHIT. AND DULL. EVERYONE SAYS THAT.
I'm sorryyyyyyyyy
What sort of animal, not normally edible, would you like to eat?
What are those Islands? That were discovered with giant turtles on? GALAPICAS ISLANDS. I WANNA EAT THOSE TURTLES. DAVID ATTENBOROUGH TOLD ME. COLUMBUS FOUND THEM.
Who is the one person on this earth you would like to kill?
Well, Justin Burninhell Bieber.
Whats that? A Bieber calender on your friggen wall?? NOOOO. SURELY NOT.
I don't want to pay for a new one.
If you were in Willy Wonka's factory what would your perfect flavour of ice cream?
Vanilla.
Boring fuck.
When is the last time you farted publicly?
Ladies don't fart.
BULLSHIT, WHEN???
I don't keep a record.
What countryside animal do you most fear?
ANGRY DONKEYS. THAT CHOOSE TO RESIDE IN BROKENHURST VILLAGE.
And what human animal in the countryside do you fear most?
Stalin.
Why?
Coz I hate Russians.
Racist Bitch.
Go kill a Tzar you communist fuck.
What is you favourite pastime?
Leaving Katie Evangeline Sally Vegetablecrumble Overdoserabbit Poppindownthejetty Oliver voicemail messages with Asya Zuyeva in which we die. (Volcano in Mudeford, Tsunami in Southbourne, Asya kidnapped by Russia)
Thankyou Dr Parker Perry PHD, see you next time.
Peace out rabbit.
I literally just pissed myself.
ReplyDeleteOkay, for the record not literally.
ReplyDeleteBut that was fucking funny to read.