Day 19

For the first time, in a long time - I had an evening with him without crying, and feeling hopeless and hating myself or him. I'd just seen my therapist and felt quite calm and collected after talking things through again, different things, new things, old things. Anyway, when he came through the door I was compelled to tell him to be careful because "Mums throwing a fit. Life is ending. The peas wouldn't fit into the freezer." He stared at me. Then we burst out laughing and after that literally everything seemed quite hilarious.
Including my bed breaking. Accidentally. Well. We were punching eachother on it and rolling about and then this huge, Godzilla-like SNAP shut us up and then.... we were off again, in fits of laughter because the SECOND wooden board holding my bed together had broken in half, (considering the first one broke thanks to him too.)
Then I was going to shave his chin in the shape of an A - A for Asya - but we didn't have time because we snuck out like naughty school kids, though I wasn't allowed to go out due to my Plague, to Harry Potter.

Now, I've already seen Daniel Radcliffe's sixth attempt to act, but the hilarity of the HP film made me want to go back. He wanted to see it too. So we pretended that he "paid for a warm taxi there and bought the tickets" when actually, I paid for everything but the bus because I'm suddenly okay on money and he's dirt broke.
For once, he brought her up instead of me and for once I didn't go all silent and closed up. Or not as much as usual anyway. Mostly because of what he was saying.

Anyway, we met a guy buying his cinema ticket next to us. This big, tattooed, earringed, "I'm gunna smash your face in blaaadd" kinda bloke. Who incidentally was going to see Harry Potter on his own and gave us his Orange wednesday so one of our tickets was free and then sat with us in THE FRONT ROW due to lack of seats and yelled "Put the fuckin' film on!" throughout the trailers, which actually was pretty brilliant too. And we bought hot dogs (two for a fiver) which we chewed in our neck-breaking front row seats.

After the film there was a slight argument over something I won't discuss but we popped into Wagamammas to have chilli squid and coke before he rushed off to comfort her. Overall, it was exactly how it was when we were together. Exactly. Minus the kissing. (Negation of hugging is not mentionned because of the negation if this negation.)
I floated on air, the air in the form of a bus, home and only felt deflated this morning when I noticed she had deleted and blocked me on facebook. This upset me because I do not hate her. I never have. There is not reason to. But evidently, she despises me, which is upsetting. But I guess I don't blame her. I don't want her to hate me because, despite the way I feel, I don't think I've done anything wrong. But apparently she is paranoid, so maybe blocking me is for her own security rather than trying to show me she hates me.... I don't know. Either way, I hold nothing against her.

I hold on to that night. It shoved a cloth of hope into my hands, along with the hope-filled things he kept saying, so maybe now its only a matter of time.

There is one thing a seventeen yearold screwup has - time. So time is must be. It just so happens however, I hate time. Grey, dragging, un-benevolent, infuriating time.
But there is no choice, I guess.

Anyway. I have been to all my lessons today. I ran a jokey Christmas debate, entitled "Do gingers deserve Christmas," (the gingers won). Then I attended my 3 hour rehearsal - and after these frivolous activities, I am utterly shattered. Oh, and I joined the cheerful drama lot for my regular two double-vodka-and-cokes in the pub after rehearsals (making me a little woozey since I haven't eaten much and I'm on plague medication.)

I see him tomorrow, hopefully. Unless he is made to work on Saturday. But otherwise, we have scheduled a bit of an "activity" which is a first for us, which I am surprisingly excited about. He makes me laugh and right now, that is all I need - to giggle to death and nothing more.

I love him, still still still.
Goodnight.