Dull days.

Day 20, 21

That air that I was floating on has transformed into choking gas thats now slowly eating away at my little whisps of security.

I didn't see him last night, he was told to work at 6am today. So I sat around in my sourness at home and glared at my messy room counting down the seconds to something, anything popping up to pass my evening. It popped up. I went to a pub I've never been to before with a friend, where I met his dad and a lovely 22 yearold photographer. It was karaoke night and the pub was thick with smoke and leery pikeys but nonetheless I had a pretty good time. After swearing that I would rather die than sing, I ended up swallowing a few vodka and cokes and stepping on stage with my new photographer friend to perform an interesting version of Mamma Do. I can't quite remember getting home.

Earlier that day I went shopping with my best friend. We were having a funny day, just pissing around and being our childish usual selves. Then he texted me and said he was also in Bournemouth with her. All of a sudden I felt like a trainwreck. I don't know why but my hands were shaking like crazy, I felt sick, I was close to tears and I refused to go anywhere near the shops that they were at. Within a matter of seconds I became overwhelmigly terrified of bumping into them, having to act normal, smile and pretend to have the slightest level of composure. My wonderful, loving best friend tried to make a joke out of it but I just wanted to go home, so she drove me back and I stayed in my room for a few hours, surrounded by my cloud of frustration and hurt. Why do I react this way? She is just a girl. A lovely, pretty one at that, a girl that was very very nice to me when this whole thing had blown up in my face and I needed someone. So why am I so childishly scared and nervous of seeing her? I think I'm more scared of bumping into a girl that loathes me for the way that I feel and for meeting up with him, rather than the sweet person I made friends with that time.

Today has been unbelievably dull. It has snowed. If you can call the centimetre of white coldness outside snow, anyway. So everyone has wanted to stay in and not do anything, or theyre working, or they're stupidly far away. I sulked for about five hours. I sulked washing the bathroom, hoovering the flat, making myself breakfast, listening to the beautiful and painfully relevant Script songs. Then Lauren came over, beautiful, amazing Lauren. We drank lemsip and ate pasta and bitched about life and how frustrating it is to be 17 and stuck in our silly lives when there is travelling and living to be done all over the world.

I am waiting to be picked up by my best best best friend to go iceskating. I cannot stand up in iceskates - this will be a failure of an activity. Then some drinks at a friends. And then I am seeing him at midnight and staying at his and shutting away all the love and emotion, to cover it up up with a mask of "Friendship." I am bored of trying to put the way I feel into words, it is far too impossible. I haven't written poetry in weeks because it would be useless - no verse could express this with sufficient clarity, I'll just sound like an emotional dick.

I love you.
Tick tock tick tock, I am counting.