The basis of every scandal, is an absolutely immoral certainty.

Day 50

Several points to make in this blog. Firstly, this was never created for the purpose of some one reading it, whether it be my friends, family or whoever its about. I simply find it a good way to vent emotions and get things out of my system. There is no obligation for anyone to read it, therefore if you're bothered by it, its easy - don't read.

Secondly, I have now done 2 dress rehearsals and 4 shows in one week. As shattered as I feel both emotionally and physically, I forget each time how much I love theatre, until there is an audience in front of me. The singing, dancing, acting, costumes, orange foundation, taste of lipstick, nostalgic smell of hairspray, ripping tights, booming band, technical glitches, screwing up of lines, the one kid that trips over onstage, they guy that forgets to come onstage altogether and of course the general making a twat out of myself in front of hundreds of people, has been sincerely missed. However, you can never have a theatre society without contraversy and bickering. Although I have adored every minute of our shows this week, I am sick to death of the bitching and lying every one is doing behind every bodies back, right in front of me. And I am left standing there like "hmmm... you say that now, but you'll be nice to her face in five minutes." Why do people feel a need to be fake, or to gossip about issues they don't understand, or turn one comment some one makes, into the end of life itself?

Which brings me to my third point. Especially if some one doesn't know a person well. Especially if they haven't bothered to find out the exact details of why they might do or say or feel what they do. Especially when they are naive enough to believe everything they are told and what they hear. Especially when they have no fucking idea what they are talking about. Do not think you could know it all, and presume to understand what is going on. Fourthly, my blog, I know, is a lot more personal than many others, I have, at times, been blunt. That does not go to say that it is my duty explain every single word I type and why I type it. Therefore, no one should think they know exactly what I am really talking about and particulièrement les certains gens, because I am 99% sure that they absolutely don't. So don't assume you comprehend what I mean.

I am bored of being in this part, I'd like to play some one else, this isn't me at all. I've decided against this whole confession thing for now. If one decides to become someone, who carries dishonesties on their sleeve, and gets away with murder right under all their noses, he can have that imitation of a person on his own conscience. He said himself that guilt always eats him up eventually and one day he won't go on. So really, I'm not needed to do the telling at all.

As my therapist tells me, a secret is always just a matter of time. I love my therapist, she seems like a very strong and influential woman. I see her this week. Tomorrow I am on a run with the girls, the runs help almost as much as the blog. I have been to three parties in three days and have tiptoed in at 4 am each night. I feel weirdly at peace although outside, its all chaos.

Oh well, lets see where it all goes.

P.S. The photograph is of a Parisian street. One day I will go to Paris and fall in love with it.