Building Castles Of Sand.

Day 40, 41, 42, 43

I haven't blogged. I decided to see how I'd do without it. Not well.

I was okay. I felt okay. And then I started finding things out.

There is a truly fine line between that which is our business and is some one elses entirely. There is another fine line, between what we want to know and that which we simply believe we want to know and hate ourselves for, after knowing. And yet another fine line, between the things we should stay well away from and leave to their own downfall, and what we think we're entitled to march into and take over.

Its upsetting to find how so many we love don't differentiate between, us pushing into their life, and imposing with our pretentious opinions, and simply trying to help. I, for one have refused help at times, when I know I needed it, out of sheer pride. Pride is such a destructive thing. It can push away what we need most, and sometimes doesn't make out, through its squinted eyes, a friend from an enemy. I was only trying to help...

Lies, I despise them. We all lie. No one can honestly claim they haven't. Whether it is a white lie, a lie to protect others, a lie to protect our own backsides, as us humans tend to do too much, a lie to hurt, or a lie to make us seem to be something more than we are. They never end well. I wonder if I will ever find out the truth from the lips of the liar? Or must I wilt in my knowing of it, pretending I am ignorant.

I fail to understand why they feel a need to lie about something so... trivial. We have known each other now, for what feels like centuries so, no matter how much has gone on, do they really believe I would judge them on such a decision or deficiency of organisation? Who knows.

For a few days I was fine, exhausted and over worked, but capable of having a relatively positive day. Then last night I found out a few things. And today, although a fun, chirpy and generally uplifting day... well, I can't help wondering why every day couldn't be like that. I love around about the middle of spring, when white cherry trees are in full blossom, I adore cherry trees, its not hot yet but every morning is bright, the breeze is warm and those happy little children, that I want to hit in the face with a shovel, but can't for lack of a shovel being in my vicinity, run around all over the place. Days with him, just like today, feel like that. Nothing more, nothing less. God, why can't I just hate him? Every other female would rip his flesh apart in rage by now. I, however, reside in an armchair, waiting for the ceiling to give me some answers, realising that no matter how long I stare at it, it will stay tightlipped and silent. Surprisingly melancholy, and accepting the dull, cotton ache of waking every morning, knowing what I know.

I am counting down the days to university. University. University. The word flings open a thousand doors, each leading to something ten billion times better than Dorset has for me, something I can't wait to get my teeth into. Bury myself in work, keep my head out, my nose sniffing far away from trouble and by some miracle I will get to those fucking doors. Somehow though, my stupid button nose, that looks like something out of Disney, finds a scrap of temptation, someplace I shouldn't be, and oh, how I love it.

Let things progress how they are now. At least I have some degree of dignity, although I highly suspect it to be simply a mirage. Soon, something will break. I can't tell what yet. Lets wait for the grand finale in awkward silence.

Non, non, non.

Bon nuit.