Every day I learn more about myself.

Day 55, 56

I have no idea what the fuck to write. I am all over the place again.

Last night I was in that zone of being in a show, when time suddenly stops and you can't say whether its 7pm or 11pm, I was drowning in costume changes and hairspray, my throat was killing because I sang so loud, and I loved it.

And THERE. In the very FRONT ROW. In the CENTER.

He came to see me on the stage. He grinned and laughed and winked at me when I caught his eye. And then we came on for Jai Ho. Just to explain that Jai Ho is the scene in which we are stranded in India, and a Sultana and her maids perform a highly vigorous dance in red glittering bras and seethrough hareems. Throughout the last week, one girls nipple has fallen out and another girls bra fell off completely and she almost died onstage. The male members of the cast have described the wings as "A sea of cleavage" and to be honest - we all look pretty hot. So basically coming onstage half naked, and dancing front center, approximately a metre away from him was a little tense. I refused to look at him throughout the entire dance but a the end I glanced and his eyes could have burnt a hole through me. After the show he texted me and as I waited to see mother outside the theatre, came up to me. Acting like nothing had changed. As if everything was fine. Forgetting the last 5 weeks, the weeks before that, never mind everything else.

I was fuming. I fumed as I got into my friends car to go to the Italian place. I fumed as I ordered a bottle of wine for one. I fumed as I rejected his calls and gulped my wine. I fumed as mum called to congratulate me and mention that he was in my house drinking tea with her. He just popped in. I fumed every time my mobile buzzed with a new message.

I fumed as I stumbled into my room very drunk, and found a note lying on my bed. Like before. The same as before.

This morning I ache and feel as if I'm missing something thats happening elsewhere. Like, some other place something important to my life is going on, and I'm not there. My throat hurts from the singing and the cold wine. I have glitter all over me, and a shimmering butterfly tattoo on my stomach (empty) which we wear for the enticing Jai Ho routine. My camera is on the bed next to me, full of backstage pictures, and next to that is my phone, stuffed with texts from him which went on till 2am. Am I mad or upset? A mixture, je pense.

Anger dominates, simply because of how infuriating it is to watch someone who can fuck up bigtime, and then refuse to admit it to everyone but himself. And myself. Actions have consequences, 5 yearolds know that. If he told the truth, there would be consequences, which is why he stubbornly stomps around which an air of honesty and love, forgetting that air can dissolve into nothing. And I won't be there to see. Frank Turner couldn't define my feelings with any more clarity, his lyrics fit like a glove:You fuck like an adult but you cry like a child.

Last show today, there will be tears and dancing at the afterparty. A lot of dancing.